One of the benefits of blogwalking is 'Generally, most bloggers are interested to know if people like their blogs, and appreciate your visit. They are likely to do a visit to your blog either out of curiosity or just as a courtesy.'
Right. That's kinda true. But not if you make that kind of visit to my blog. If you want me to go to your blog and read, at least extend me the same courtesy. Or at least, stop writing the same things. That's what's irritating me.
Rant over. Ok.
I need someone to teach me not to care. Because I care too much, things which people do can hurt me. I genuinely hurt when you do. And I hate that you're unhappy, so I try my best to cheer you up without pushing you. And the thing is, sometimes the people I care for, don't feel the same compulsion to care back. Which is not surprising, after all I can't expect you to care just because I do, but it does makes one feel...well, hurt. Sometimes, they say or do things without thought to how it could potentially wound not just me, but any person. I care too much. And it's killing me. The other party hurts, and you try to be there for them. Sometimes in the end, it means that no one is there for you. Because when they are unburdening to you, you listen. And since they are hurting from their own problems, you can't voice out your own so that you don't add to theirs. Picture this scenario. You are telling someone about your worries and problems that weigh heavily on you. Then once you finish(or sometimes even before then), the person goes 'That sounds terrible. Cheer up. Hey, you know what? I lost my phone the day before and------' and so on and so forth. It feels like the other person doesn't actually listen. I know that people will say things like 'so?does that mean you keep all to yourself?' or 'are you stupid?pushover much?' but there's a difference. It's a borderline difference that is in that grey area between black and white. You care, they don't. It does sound pathetic, like complaining and I get that. But it can feel like a sacrifice. And too much sacrifice can eat away at you bit by bit. At times too, the other party takes out their anger on you, not directly, but sort of. Is it because they don't actually care that they feel no compunction saying things that hurt? They might have not meant it, or is it that I take things too seriously. I don't know. I don't have the answers. I don't want to voice out those feelings above to my friends. I don't want them to think that I don't want to listen to them or that I resent them for it. I don't want them to feel like they have failed or think 'since she thinks this way, might as well not tell her'. I don't resent them for it. I just wish that it's not just me. It's really very hard to unburden to someone who doesn't care. And while I don't usually take too much to heart your words, at times, I also weaken and what would usually not hurt suddenly stabs in with the force of a thrust. But then, you don't notice or know. And that's when a smile truly hides away everything.
Emo time over. Cute kitty time starts.
And today I had a shock. A friend on mine is dating another friend(whom I know less well actually). And I only found out today. It wasn't that I had never thought it wouldn't happen between them. I mean, I teased her about it months ago. It's just kinda a shock that she didn't tell me. Like how things can come as a shock even though you kinda anticipated it. Needless to say, I was bursting with questions. But it was neither the time nor the place. So I shall save my questions for later. Bleh. Going to bed nao.
